My brother's mother-in-law sent me this message. (Quick background if you missed it. MY sister-in-law, who has had a past infidelity and who isn't actively cheating now but IS e-mail flirting with someone else, found out some bad stuff my brother did and kicked him out for a weekend. She let him come home. From what he told me, he did some bad stuff--he didn't cheat but he did consider it. She thinks worse things happened.):
I'm quite concerned about the situation. I think I know most of it. K probably leaves some things out, that's just the way she is. But I really worry about her. I really don't know how long she will be able to keep up the front, it's really wearing on her. I feel so bad because I have been very very hard on her and then I find out all of this and just can't even believe it. And I really wonder just how long it's been going on, really. J doesn't know that I know so it's best left that way. It's hard when we're so far apart. K is truly a wonderful person, it's just too bad he doesn't realize that.
I have debated a response like this:
I think we are all concerned. I am not proud of how either of them has treated their marital vows. I have wondered how long J could keep up the front and stay in the relationship for well over a year. I do think J recognizes K's positive attributes. He certainly understood them well when he poured out his broken heart to me over a year ago. He loved her madly. But something breaks when you read your wife's words stating that her stomach turns when she has to climb into bed with her husband. When he told me she wrote that--to another man--I wondered whether it would ever be possible for him to forget and forgive. I think it broke something inside him. I don't know that I'd be a big enough person to get over that either.
My understanding--which may or may not comport with reality--is that his misdeeds began after that time. I don't think he's forgiven; I don't think she's come totally clean; I think he's acted shabbily; I think she's been unable or unwilling to work through the issues; I think he needs to continue working on them too. I also agree that neither you nor I know everything that is going on. I'm not sure there's much any of us can do. They will either figure out how to recommit to each other and lose all the negative behavior or their marriage will end. For the kids, I hope they can keep it amicable.
Or I could write this: Shut up, bitch. Or Are you talking to me?
Or perhaps discretion really is the better part of valor and I should just not respond at all. What do you think? I really want to know.
Because this is some crazy stuff . . . you get the crazy house.
8 comments:
I am going with no response at the moment. You need to sit with this one for a bit. I would be hesitant to discuss anything with her, especially more than you would discuss with your mother (unless you have some close relationship with SIL's mother that I missed).
You could always go with something like...
"Any troubles my brother may have to endure distress me greatly, but this is not something I feel comfortable discussing. Any issues my brother and his wife have are between them (? although they all seem to have chosen to involve you), and perhaps they have some hard decisions to make, but only they can make them.
It always seems to be that we never appreciate those that are closest to us." blah, blah, blah
sort of like, I am not getting into this with you, but my brother is my first priority.
Then again... I seem to have my own issues, so what do I know?
Given what's gone on, I'd opt with the first choice and throw in rowan's "this is something I don't feel appropriate discussing further."
Yeah. Or just tell her that her child seems to be void of much moral fiber and, really, what can be done for a middle aged woman with questionable values?
Ack. Does she not know about the wonderful person's not-so-wonderful behavior? Seems she must, but has conveniently forgotten it? I don't think I would have the stomach to remind or inform her of that, as much as you do want to stand by your brother. Another option for response...
"Please, SIL's mother, excuse me while I go rinse my mouth out. I seem to have thrown up in it when I read your message."
I'm with Rowan, I'd go with no response. If she persists and you have to respond, I'd give her the "everyone has some fault in this and they have to be the ones to work it out." You never know how these things turn out and you don't want to say anything you might have thrown back in your face later maybe even by your brother. Mom is either truly concerned or fishing on behalf of SIL. My ex-SIL did exactly what yours is doing now (via internet) and my bro actually took her to meet with him as he thought maybe that would snap her back to reality, she snapped allright but it wasn't back to reality. My mom still bad mouths her every chance she can and my brother defends her as the mother of his child. My vote is radio silence.
Whatever happened to Diego?
I had more, but don't know any of you well enough...
I like the opting out approach to this one...for now.
Dear Alone a/k/a Falstaff,
That's the beauty of blogging, no one knows anyone unless they want to be known. So comment away.
well...my other comments were better suited for a fraternity, than they were for any sort of civilized discussion...they're best kept to myself. I posted my constructive thoughts.
Laggin, are you gonna keep track of my identities? You already vetoed my initials since they're the same as your eldest and that gave you a bit of a scare...then you criticized my choice of Shakespearian characters...
Alone and Falstaff both suit you. Just don't do MEB. That gave me a friggin' heart attack.
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