sexy runaway . . . err . . . runway (reposted here)

It’s the morning after the denim challenge in the designers’ apartments. I didn't blog the denim challenge, so for purposes of background, Ricky won (he’s one of my favs) and Victorya went home.

The girls are talking about the fact that they can’t let the finale be all boys. In the boys’ apartment, Christian is still trashing Ricky’s denim dress—even though it won. Biotch.

As they arrive in the workroom, Sweet P says, “I feel something’s going to happen today.” Think so? I’ve already heard enough comments about sex shows and the Pope; so I’m pretty darn sure something interesting is on the horizon . . . or in the spandex.

So Tim arrives and tells them they are taking a field trip. “Come with me,” he says. Christian wants to know if they are going, “Someplace fabulous? Is it fierce? It better be fierce, Tim.” Chris comments that he has long thought they might do to drag queens. OMG. Wouldn’t that be great? What an incredibly FUN episode! So I cross my fingers and hope.

They stop outside the runway room. There are, “war noises coming from other side.” These sounds are variously described as “violent and scary, “crazy war noises” and “people killing each other.” Christian says the sounds are very “sexual”, like “sex moans.” I have to tell you, I am now quite worried about Christian’s love life . . . err . . . sex life. Because those moans, Blogosphere, they are not sexual. Nope, not at all. Unless it’s like some WRONG-ass snuff video. (AHHH. I can’t believe I just typed that!) I’m with Sweet P, the sounds are scary. She’s “freaking out.”

The doors open . . . and . . . there is a wrestling ring set up in the runway room. Okaaay. In it are six female wrestlers . . . wrestling, writhing, moaning and fighting. (And again, it doesn’t sound sexual to ME.) Rami says it’s “like watching a train wreck.” Toot, toot! Chris, who I love more with each passing show, says, “Ladies—throwing each other, kicking, pulling hair—it was pretty great, actually.” Well, yes. When you describe it that way.

So these are their clients, the DIVAS from the WWE. To quote Christian, “they are fierce indeed.” True. If you met these girls in a bar, you’d be scared. They are beautiful, rock hard, strong women. The designers are going to create an outfit for the divas to wear in the ring.
They each pick their diva. Ricky, as last week’s winner, picks first. He chooses Layla, a self-described “funky dancer.” Jillian is next and she picks Michelle—the sporty, girl-next-door. Chris selects the “rock glam,” Maria. Kristal, who likes “leather and lace,” is selected by Christian. Sweet Pea takes Candice, the immediate past champion of the WWE, who describes herself as the “sex kitten.” Finally, Rami—the only foreign designer—ends up with the “all-American” Torrie, a “good girl.” (Ugh. I would want to keep this sort of “good girl” away from my little boy--if I had one!)

When the selection is done, Jillian says, “All I could think is, ‘oh shit’”! Yup.

They are going to get 30 minutes with their divas and then will go shopping at Spandex House. WTF? NY has everything. Spandex House?! They are only given $30. I guess spandex is cheap. But this raises one question from me. Why are swimsuit so damn expensive if spandex is this cheap. Hey Blogosphere . . . we are getting RIPPED off!

As Chris is meeting with his diva he says, this will be like, “stripper trannie wear!” She laughs with him. (Um. Is that how you spell trannie? Or is it tranny? Or tranney? Gah. I need to take a refresher spelling class on my gender bending vocabulary!)

After a shopping trip, the designers are told that they have until midnight tonight and all day tomorrow. BTW, Spandex House’s name is way more fun than the inside of the store. It’s pretty much just what you would expect. Big rolls of gaudy, stretchy fabric!

Christian is making an outfit with black chaps. He says it is, “so sexy.” He’s trying them on himself. Um. He’s getting WAY into how they look on him. He’s rubbing his thighs up and down and posing in the mirror. I swear, there is a little prance in his step. I think he’s having a pickle-in-his-pocket moment and it’s disturbing me. I don’t need to see that. But then, FINALLY, he reverts to his catty-self and declares that the “tackiest fabric in the room” is Sweet Pea’s. (This from a man who has just been wearing a chaps made for a woman. *shiver)

Sweet P’s costume is VERY silver. Very. Christian says it “looks like trannie ice capades.” Question? Is there such a thing? Trannie ice capades? Because that would be REALLY fun to see. Well, after a few cocktails, it would be fun to see. Sweet P is messing with a boa and says the costume will be “too casino with feathers.” It’s certainly “too” something. It’s NOT looking good. Chris hams it up for the camera, saying, “Poor Sweet P. You’re OUT!” (The first part is said sweetly; the second is said while channeling Heidi but with pure malice in his voice. They are definitely getting competitive and cut-throat.)

In his interview, Chris says he is “not ashamed” to make costumes for the WWE, although notes that some of the designers “aren’t happy.” No. Really? Couture . . . female wrestlers . . . couture . . . female wrestlers. Close enough for me.

Jillian says she is making a “wrapping bra top with very short, short shorts.” Hmm. Maybe.

Chris wants his diva to look like an “animal in a cage.” Hmm. Not sure that will be real comfortable but I’ll reserve judgment. He’s still wishing he could be making the costume for men. He thinks that “would have been more interesting.” The other designers don’t look too sure.

Sweet P and Christian decide to arm wrestle. You should see Sweet P’s muscles! Wow! You go, girl! She calls Christian a “skinny armed twit!” Ha. LOVE it! But when they arm-wrestle, Christian is surprisingly strong. (I kid you not when I say this boy probably only weighs about 130 pounds. And Sweet P isn’t what you'd call tiny.) He’s going to beat her, so she quits. The whole room is surprised at Christian and he says, “I’m beast you guys; you just don’t know.” I’m beast? What? I would get it if he said, “I’m a beast . . .” But, “I’m beast”?

The divas arrive for their fittings. Sweet P’s looks like a silver hospital gown. Like if Delta Burke were admitted to the hospital and brought her own gown.

But Christian, this poor, poor boy. It’s kind of a pickle moment again . . . not to slander a pickle. This boy worries me. He goes on about how the costume . . . “It’s so hot.” “It’s kind of amazing; it really is.” “So I kind of love this challenge now.” “I mean can we talk? She’s really fierce; she’s one of the fiercest people I’ve ever met. And that’s a big deal because I’ve met some fierce bitches in my life.” And then, in the coup de grace of creepiness, his diva asks, “Will you marry me?” And he chirps . . . chokes out this little pathetic, soft, inappropriately reverent, “Yes.” Eww.

So now Sweet P is freaking out. Appropriately so. Tim tells her the dress looks like Ava Gabor in Green Acres. Ouch. Christian says her feathers look like Chewbacca. Wait. What? Chewbacca? As in the big hairy dude from Star Wars? Really? Did he wear a boa? I think of Chewie and Ava Gabor as polar opposites. Does Christian think before he speaks? Does he understand the concept of simile?

Ack. More Christian. Now he says his costume is “soooo S&M” but he “loved it.” Yup. That explains a lot. Somewhere that boy has a Mistress/Master that punishes him severely! He’s a bad, bad boy. (And NOT is the cute, sexy, bad-boy kind of way.)

Ricky seems worried and says, “I really messed this one up.” Uh oh.

One little aside about these wrestler chicks. They are some kind of hard bodies. Wow. One of them mentions her “love handles” and I swear I want to take the bag of chips I’m munching on and slap her upside the head with them. Love handles. Really. Psht.

It’s Runway time. The regular judges are there, Klum, Kors and Garcia. Then they introduce the guest-judge “dream team” of “Heatherette,” designers Richie Rich and Treavor Rains. Who? Heatherette? I guess I’ve got to go Google them, huh? BRB . . . *soft rock playing in the background . . . Well, here’s what I learned they are known for wild fashion week shows and their style comes from the NY club scene. Want to read more?

Let the show begin. Christian’s black leather and lace outfit comes down the runway. He calls her a wealthy gold digger. Ah ha. So this is a sugar mommy/daddy thing for him, huh?
Jillian’s blue and white sporty outfit is next. It’s cute, in a Dallas cheerleader does bondage kind of way. She has sexy, over the knee white boot/socks. Good ideas here. One of the judges says he loves the “booty shorts.” The diva offers to let him wear them. Ewww. But let me tell you, if I could get my butt to look like that it boy-shorts . . . that would be the ONLY THING I ever wear again. But no worries, that’s a reality that will only happen in my head.

Ricky’s girl is in an orange swimsuity thing. It’s cute for the beach, but I don’t get it. And his a-line wrap, is wrong. It looks tacky but not in a fun, kitschy-tacky way. It’s in a tacky, JAP, big-hair, ex-New Yorker, now living in Boca, kind of way.

Chris’s leopard outfit looks great on his diva. I’m loving it. Then he ruins it for me by saying, “I wish I would wear it.” What? Chris is a 350 pound queen. I’m disturbed and need to go burn that image off my brain.

Sweet P explains that her diva’s bit is to “robe and reveal.” Whatever. While the silver monstrosity is better than it was during development. It really isn’t very good.

Rami gets worried when his pink-poufery comes down the runway. All of a sudden he thinks it looks like he was smoking crack when he made it. He says it’s “a tacky pink outfit” he made to “please the client.” It’s fine. (And I’m saying that in the way your husband says your outfit is “fine” when the family is supposed to be heading out the door to go out to eat, you are trying to beat the crowd but you are not pleased with how you look, but he just wants to get the show on the road. THAT kind of fine. The “I don’t really care” kind of fine.) The judges tell him that there is nothing “Americana” about the costume at all . . . that is, unless, you find Paris Hilton at the beach, Americana. (Well. The guy is from Palestine! What exactly did you expect?) Oh, and Nina “HATES the color.” So no hot pink in Elle, I guess. I want to revoke Nina's girl-card.

After the show, Kors begins by saying that he is “SOOO a fish out of water.” “I feel like the Pope at sex club.” Lurve that line.

In the review, Christian starts going on and on about . . . biker, rocker chick, such a vamp, powerful, sexy, all about vanity and picking up men on the way . . . blah, blah . . . something about a “Prince moment” (a reference COMPLETELY lost on me), feisty . . . . You know the voices of the adults in the Charlie Brown TV shows—“Wha wha wha wha wha wha?” Yeah. That’s pretty much what I hear from Christian now.

Amongst themselves, the judges declare:

• Christian’s outfit was costumey and sexy without revealing too much. His jacket was fabulous.
• Chris’s outfit complimented her. It was flattering, powerful, sexy, and the diva loved it.
• Jillian was—maybe—Nina’s favorite. She’s a sexy tomboy.
• Ricky “missed the boat on this”. Yikes. Kors says the top thingy looks like a “disco hair-cutting smock.” Ouch.
• Rami is “not strong”.
• Sweet Pea’s is a drag queen, disco ball.
• And the winner is . . . Chris!!! Maria, his diva, will wear the outfit in an upcoming WWE bout. Chris says, “It figures I win the tackiest challenge that we’ve had!”

Jillian, Christian and Rami are safe.

This leaves Ricky and Sweet Pea. Ultimately, Ricky is sent home because it looks like a swimsuit and for “missing the mark in more ways than one." Damn. They are sending my long lost brother home! As everyone is hugging Ricky good-bye, Christian sticks out his tongue. I don’t love him anymore. We are breaking up. He can just go marry that wrestling diva. *stomping off