the face down

Today's post is thanks to a question posed to me by one of Eldest's friends. I would love to hear your thoughts. Here is our written exchange:

Teen: Hmm...I have a question. How exactly does one face down a firmly-impressed fear?

Me:

That is quite a question. I will start with the statement that I think the answer may be dependant upon the fear and its holder. Since you posed your question in the abstract, I will respond in kind. (And just so you know, we lawyers can rarely answer in writing with any normal degree of brevity. Sorry.)

In short, I think you take the fear out of its dark hiding place and expose it to sunlight. You examine it. You apply logic and reason. Then you are diligent in the fight.

But you asked for an "exactly". What "exactly" does my statement mean? Hmm. That is the rub, isn’t it?

There are various kinds of fear. There is the fear of the unknown, the “what ifs,” the “maybes” and the “mights.” You also might call these worries. In some way, these are both the easiest and the hardest fear to destroy. They are easy because they are not based in some historical experience. They have not been validated by the past. The difficultly arises because they may be based in irrationality.

Second, there is the type of confirmed, acknowledged fear based on a personal experience. A particular situation or scenario consistently avoided by someone; where the holder knows that they are avoiding something because of fear. A glib example is the fear of public speaking. Of course, these can be much darker fears.

Third, there is the visceral, triggered fear. I think this is also usually based on personal—frequently traumatic—experience. The kind of fear that hides quietly until it is triggered by some memory; fear that triggers a fight or flight response.

And then, I guess, there are the phobias, which to some degree may fit into my descriptions above. But somehow, I do not think you are asking about phobias.

Returning to your question, how does someone “face down” a fear? I think the first step is identifying the fear. Second, the person must WANT to defeat the fear. Some people just want to avoid pain at all costs. That person may not be ready to eliminate the fear. Likewise, some people like being “damaged.” They find comfort in their baggage and use it to avoid future hurt. So again, until they are ready to be rid of the baggage and heal, they are not ready to be free from their fears.

Next, the fear must be examined, internally and perhaps with others. Its cause needs to be detected and recognized. Of course, examination may reveal that there is no actual historical “cause”; rather, the basis of the fear may simply be removed by identification and examination. But sometimes there needs to be a plan—both of action and of thought. Fear frequently must actively be confronted . . . as you put it: faced down. Think about the words you used. What does it mean to “face down” something? I think the connotation there is accurate; there must be a fight—a battle, if you will.

Fear may form habits or patterns of behavior. I believe to beat a fear you must actively present yourself with the fear. In the beginning, it makes sense to do this not only with intention but also in a predetermined, secure way. In a way where the person who is afraid can safely explore the fear and identify its lack of basis; where they can use reason to discover the fear can be released or, wonderfully, that it has no valid basis. Then the exploration of fear must progress along the scale of secure. I think the key here, is in learning to trust oneself.

The goal, especially in historically based fears, is in reaching the point where one can look at the past and leave it there while acknowledging its role as a teacher—as a lesson. But one should not erroneously assume that the past is a guide for the rest of life. The past is merely experience; it is not determinative of the future.

The goal must be in learning to trust . . . to trust yourself . . . to trust that the fear has no true destructive power . . . to learn survival is its own end . . . and to trust that you can handle what will come.

I hope that helps. If I can help in any other or more specific way, let me know.

Today's post comes to you care of a glass house--an examination of life.