yeah, i'm here

There is just so much to talk about that I'm paralyzed by possibilities. I'll go with the top five things on my mind right now (because I'm way too lazy for a Tuesday ten).

1. I'm waiting to hear which clients are coming with me and which are staying. This is more nerve-wrecking than the waiting to resign part. Maybe because THIS is where I learn how much work I'll have to do to potentially re-build the client base. Scary, I tell you, scary. (So far, it is going as I expected. But there are still biggies from which I have not heard.)


2. Eldest and Boyfrondo are taking things a little further . . . nudge, nudge . . . hint, hint. Not too far but far enough that it has me on edge. Although the good news . . . shared by Eldest herself . . . is that they've discussed sex and decided a couple of things. First, they aren't going to partake until they are out of high school. Second, they will come to me to discuss birth control, if necessary. I like these decisions. It's just that if they are talking about it already, I'm not convinced that the "out of high school" part will stick. Ugh.


3. I ordered a new car! I'm getting a Prius and going green! They are on back order so I won't get it for three to five months.
4. My brother is having HUGE marital problems. It's breaking my heart. And I really can't do details here but I will say he spent the weekend with us. I learned all of this and got to tell him that he was coming to stay with us for the weekend right before I resigned on Friday. Oh, I also got to call my parents and tell them not to come to my niece's dance recital last weekend. Nice, huh? My SIL is reaching out to me as a result of this situation. She's lonely and has no where to turn. Um, he's my BROTHER!!!! While neither of them is perfect in this scenario, he's my BROTHER and that's where my loyalties lie. I may need to tell him that he's an ass or an idiot or something much worse, but he's still my BROTHER!!!! And I'm just not getting in the middle of this. I'm not going to tell her about my conversations with him. I'm not going to shuttle information back and forth. I'll help watch the kids if they need it. I'll do those kinds of things. I'll even tell her I'm sorry, that this sucks and that my heart is breaking for both of them. But she's gotta understand that I cannot be her confidante. Ya know?


5. As a result of 4., my mother is super needy. It's driving me nuts. Here, I'll share a few of the choice tidbits with you:

The silence from [where we live] speaks volumes, and I am terrified. But I know that particular news is not truly yours to convey, and I understand that. I probably won't leave the house until I hear from him, but I will wait.

On the other hand, I am just as anxious to hear about your own big dealings yesterday, and I am willing to confine any conversations to that subject if you are inclined to call me.

I may be a bad daughter, but I was NOT so inclined. There is no WAY should could have kept the subject confined. Even when I told her I wasn't going to share details with her, she kept saying, "Just TELL me." Gosh, was there something unclear about, "I'm not going to tell you what [SIL] said until I can talk to [Brother]." And now that I've talked to "Brother," I'm still not going to share with our mom. Sigh. Here's another choice bit:

I have no clue as to how I should feel about [SIL].

Good lord. I'm supposed to tell her how to feel? Will my feelings somehow supplement hers? If she EVER confided in anyone but immediate family, she might have someone to talk to about this stuff. But she's so judgmental about everyone and everything that all of us have stopped talking to her. (She has previously shared with me that she KNEW they should not get married because SIL comes from a divorced family. Good grief. Maybe we should lock all children of divorced parents away so they can't possible rub-off on my brother and me.) Even my father is avoiding her on this topic. He's fleeing discussions with long runs and games of golf. I feel a tiny bit bad for her but she has created the wall that she lives behind.

However, this is my personal favorite:

Should I be ashamed?

Where do I even begin with that comment? This is precisely what my SIL says about my mother . . . and while I do not love my SIL . . . she's spot-on about my mom. Mom is so worried about what everyone else thinks. She's private to a fault and just wants to convince the world that she raised a perfect family. She never wants to show any chink in her perfect (albeit make-believe) wall.

Today you get the confused house.