the return of snarky friday

It's the promised blog on ten insulting words applied to people I know in real life!!!!

1. FRENCHIFY (v)
Definition: 1) To make French in quality or trait 2) To make somewhat effeminate, and 3) To contract a venereal disease (a 19th century slang).

Ah. This brings to mind a certain former legal secretary in a certain law firm who . . . how shall I put this . . . shared too much information. You know, the copy room really isn't the place to air your dirty laundry . . . or your dirty parts . . . or the dirty little secret about your apparently dirty private parts.

2. BESCUMBER (v)
Definition: To spray with poo.

Um. Falstaff, this one's for you! Blogosphere, Falstaff actually has a personal library of defecation themed literature. So while, to my knowledge, he's not actually been sprayed with poo (although it is possible during the infancy of one of his daughters), and I have no wish to actually arrange to have him sprayed with poo, I know he'll have an extraordinary fondness for this word.

3. MICROPHALLUS (n)
Definition: An unusually small penis.

Wow. I knew someone approximately 21 years ago to whom this word would apply. Really. Actually. Physically. It was freaky. But I'm going to go into no further detail.

I'm a little embarrassed right now. Go ahead. Start the Biblical "to know" jokes. Har har.

Note: Falstaff is grateful for "bescumber". Not that I'd "know" anything about him. I should just stop, shouldn't I?

4. COCCYDYNIA (n)
Definition: Pain in the butt.

I dedicate this word to my former managing partner. Some have compared him to the Gestapo . . . others to Golom. But all agree, he is a coccydynia. I hope I never have to hear another human being utter the phrase "Dutch uncle". I've looked it up, so I know what it means. (A "Dutch uncle" is someone who is a frank, stern or candid critic or adviser.) But who actually uses that phrase? And here is my hope for you: If you have a Dutch uncle, I hope they have an ounce of sense. You know what? I bet he has a microphallus!

5. GRAMMATICASTER (n)

Definition: A mean verbal pedant; a low grammarian.

Gosh. Many a young summer associate, blogger and opposing counsel are deserving of this smear. I'm having trouble coming up with just one person. But I will share with you a Facebook note I recently read which exemplifies my frustration:

my window is broken not only is my room now not insulated but it also lets water in! thanks crappy window company THANKS!!!

If your brain is screaming, congratulations, you too are a grammar/ punctuation geek. (Yeah. Yeah. Feel free to slay me for my failure to proofread my posts. I'm just lazy sometimes. This is the place I get to be unprofessional!)

6. PETTIFOGGER (n)

Definition: A petty small-rate lawyer.

Tee hee. Speaking of unprofessional!!! I cannot tell you how much the mere existence of this word pleases me. It's just a beautiful thing. It has so many potential uses.

Here, I proffer the word to you in honor of all the slime-balls who advertise on television and on the back of your phone book. And, for those of you not in my profession, if you need a lawyer, DON'T HIRE TV/PHONE BOOK PETTIFOGGERS!!!!

7. WANTWIT (n)
Definition: A fool; an idiot.

Well. It's not very nice but this word reminds me of a particular former co-worker who drove me nuts. I have previously called her "Gidget on crack". But I really like wantwit for her because she "wants" to be a good lawyer. She tries to be smart (and frequently succeeds). But she also wants (a/k/a lacks) wittiness and good sense. Plus, she's just plain annoying.

This entry is incredibly mean of me. She's been nothing but nice to me. However, this IS snarky Friday, now isn't it?

8. CORPULENT (adj)
Definition: Very fat.

This one I use on another former partner of mine. Not only is he a large man but corpulent just describes his very being. Corpulent brings up images of a man who is boastful, and over-proud and over-bearing. That's him! I still remember the day I gave him the news that I would not use MY law license to bring a particularly ridiculous lawsuit on behalf of one of his clients. He had the audacity to say, "Laggin. That's unacceptable. This is Wednesday! Wednesday is good answer day. Go back and get me a good answer!" I marched down to my department chair's office and pronounced this good answer: "That new guy, Mr. Corpulent, is an asshole!"

Oh, and he used to wear a purple sweater that made him look like Barney.

I love you! You love me! We're a happy family!

You know what? Barney was corpulent too!

9. CACAFUEGO (n)
Definition: A swaggering braggart or boaster.

I love the fact that this word literally means "shit fire" in Spanish. Isn't that great? I'd sure have a shit fire on my hands if the targets of this post were to read it, wouldn't I?

This word is for a certain bankruptcy lawyer with whom I used to work. He fits this word perfectly. There was nothing he couldn't brag about and, while doing so, manage to completely offend everyone listening to him. I watched him in oral argument once telling an appellate panel about how he was teaching a certain class at a certain law school. Blah, blah, blah. The class had NOTHING to do with anything relevant to the case (except maybe the fact that one of the panel was an alumnae). The Judges actually gaped and looked at each other amazed that this guy was trying to impress them with these irrelevant details. They told him to "move on". In the subject jurisdiction, you get about 10 minutes to present your client's entire case, and this cacafuego chose to use up that precious time trying to impress the Judges with his own credentials. Idiot.

10. SLUBBERDEGULLION (n)

Definition: A paltry, dirty, sorry wretch.

This one is easy. My sister-in-law.

The bitch is in the house! Happy weekend all.