sirens mean go to the basement . . . or the mall

There were terrible storms here again last night. Some Kansas communities have been hit horribly. I spent some portion of the evening wondering if I would be visiting the yellow brick road. There were freaky clouds. These were clouds reminiscent of the scene on top of the apartment building in Ghostbusters. Scary, scary clouds.

I wasn't safely ensconced at home . . . nope, I was out running around to buy Father's Day gifts. But it turns out that the shopping gods were with me. I don't think I've ever been so lucky in 2 hours of shopping, ever. No, I can actually say, EVAH!

First, I stopped at a store my husband mentioned as having a gift he'd like. I'd like to tell you all about it, but Car-man reads here sometimes, so I'll have to save that for next week. I was aware of a 50% off coupon from this store but I didn't have it with me. Never fear. I was able to sweet-talk the manager into giving me the 50% off! This is a bit astonishing because . . . why? I'm not "sweet," that's why. I usually veer into bitchy when I do something stupid like forget a coupon. Further, what the manager didn't know was that this meant a $90.00 discount!!! Can I get a "YIPPEE"?!? This is a store that doesn't typically sell high dollar stuff, so I think she was a little shocked. I practically skipped out of the store.

Second stop, the mall. As I walked across the parking lot I noticed the pressure in the atmosphere had a there-must-be-a-tornado-watch feeling. I looked up and there were huge black clouds rolling in from the west. Super. However, never one to avoid a shopping excursion, I hurried on my way.

I went to Macy's where Younger had placed something on hold for her Dad. While checking out I remembered an additional 20% off for one-day-only thingy in my wallet. Yeah! I actually had this coupon. I whipped it out. When they ran the charges I was pleasantly surprised. Younger managed to pick out a sale item. I felt particularly pleased.

I took off to head over to the sporting good store to get something for my Dad. But, then I heard a quiet whisper. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who heard the voices. Everyone around me was acting totally normal. I looked but I couldn't identify the speakers. The voices murmured . . .

Laggin, oh Laggin.

You are soo forgetful!!

You still get 20% off for the next 70 minutes.

Deary, you need a new formal dress for vacation!

Ah, those blessed voices. How correct they were. So I trotted up to the dress department and grabbed five or six things quickly. The first item was nice and fit well. But it was black and SOOOO boring. The second was God-awful. I looked like Barney (yeah, the purple dinosaur . . . a recent blogging theme of mine). So I wasn't feeling real positive about my next item, also a brightly colored, silk-charmeuse dress. Teal. When I zipped it up, I couldn't believe it. Perfect. It fit. It was flattering. The color is good for me. I was feeling rather smart. And while it was $170, the 20% would take it down below $140. I hurried into my clothes (not bothering with the rest of the dresses) and went to check out.

At this point, I looked at my watch. I had about 50 minutes until the stores would close. Ding. Ding. Uh oh. That's a text from Eldest.

Theres a tornato on the ground. Haha.

Isn't she a great kid? What a sweetie.

ARRRGH!! Could I have a detail or two? Like apostrophes and a "d' in the word tornado? No, I mean, like where the tornado is? Am I going to die? And why the "haha", is this FUNNY? I text back, standing in line. I also begin straining my ears for sirens. But that's the thing about the mall. It blocks out the rest of the world.

Ah, yes. We are your place of solace and comfo . . .

Ding. Ding. Text:

Desoto [way west of where I am]. And two others have touched. There are serins all over. The counties by the k-river are worst. Therd the sirens go.

I begin contemplating. What's worse? That I might die or that my 15-year-old has this abominable spelling?

I still can't hear the sirens. Hmm.

I make the front of the line. I point out that the little hook inside the shoulder of the dress is broken (the part designed to hold a bra-strap in place). The cashier tells me that she'll give me a discount to cover having the repair done. Um. Great, another thing for me to take care of. But guess what? That discount? ANOTHER 20% off! So I got the dress for 40% off!!!! Thank you, murmuring voices, thank you.

You're welcome, deary.

Do you have shoes for that dress?

If not, that coupon is still good for a few minutes!

Blessed voices. Lovely voices. And since the sirens are going . . . I'm better off amongst a lovely-display of party shoes than I would be on the rain-soaked, wind-blown streets, no?

I head over to the shoe department and find a couple of lovely strappy, bejeweled items. One is $89 and the other is $39.99. We know how that will go, right? I'll hate the cheap ones and end up with the ridiculous ones. Oh, and my luck, they don't have the inexpensive one in my size; only a 1/2 size larger. I try on the $89 pair first and . . . they hurt like a son-of-a-bitch.

Luck? You mention your luck scornfully?

Have you no faith?

We, the shopping gods are here with you, Laggin.

I try on the theoretically-too-big-but-inexpensive pair and **cue angelic music** they fit and feel good. No friggin' way. I'm getting these shoes for 32 bucks!?! Deal.

We don't mean to rush you, but . . .

25 mintues until the sporting good store closes.

You do have to drive a couple of blocks

Yes, yes, gods. I'll hurry. The tornatos won't get me, will they?

Hurry. Hurry.

So I rush to the other store. I'm leaning forward in the driver's seat staring at the ominous, Ghostbuster clouds right above me. There's supposed to be rotation if they are dangerous. Nothing was rotating. But I'm not kidding you, I'm pretty sure those clouds could have eaten me alive.

As I reach the store, the first-few rain drops were falling. I dashed in and headed back to the cyclery section. I wanted to get a cycling jersey for my dad. (He leaves on a 300-mile ride with Eldest next Wednesday. This is the third year they have done it together.) I was expecting to pay $60-70 bucks based on past experience in a local bike store. But no, GASP, they are only $29.99 at extra-gigantic-national-chain-sport-store! I was so pleased, I bought him new cycling shorts too!

Ahhh. You are a knowing shopper.

You appease us with an extra, unnecessary purchase.

You are a true believer. We are pleased.

Thank you, gods. Thank you.

I made it home, uneaten by clouds, slightly damp from rain and having avoided rotation all together. Plus? I had the shopping experience of a lifetime.

On top of it all, the look on Car-man's face when I modeled the dress . . . well, that was just icing on the cake!

Today you get the shopping gods' house.