Sometimes I just want to lay down and sleep for 75 years. By the time I woke up, it would either be over or I'd be dead. (Yes, I'm perfectly aware that makes no sense. Go with it.)
I am currently acting as a leader in the make-my-kid-so-miserable-she-will-seek-to-change-movement. As I do this she is back in "on unit" status (meaning she can't leave her unit to eat, for recreation, etc.), is "acute" (meaning insurance pays) and is on suicide watch.
I have been instructed to react to this situation by making her miserable. Not to call or visit...or at least not call or visit after she's been argumentative. To tell my father...one of her favorite people on earth...to start riding her about getting with the program and start working with those counselors and telling him to hang up on her when she argues and not to call a second time when she refuses his first call. And, if necessary, to leave her in there on her 16th birthday...this Saturday.
Intellectually, I understand why we are doing this. Intellectually, I even agree that this is the right thing to do. I've been doing my studying on borderlines...we've got a fairly miserable road ahead of us with Eldest and this is how we start to change the scenery. I even get why we are doing this when she is actively suicidal.
Knowing why and understanding why does not stop my heart from breaking. It does not stop me from wanting to wrap my arms around her and try to take away every ounce of pain.
Instead, I will make her hurt. I will make her face her demons. I will make her want out of that damn hospital. I will make her work to get out of there.Because? The state just authorized a 90-day residential stay if we can't get her turned around. In their words, she "tanked" the criteria. It turns out my kid believes it's "normal" to be suicidal. Like she REALLY believes that. It's a borderline thing. I don't have the stamina to explain that right now. I read the books on borderline and I'm terrified. Terrified. That can't be her future. I want to stamp my feet and rage. How can it possibly be that my kid could live that life...that crazy life. Yes. Crazy.
But before that word with all heaviness causes you to turn, let's go back to the first thought in that last paragraph.
Ninety...nine zero...90...days without my girl.
How do I do that?
17 comments:
Oh my God, my heart aches for you. I guess if you know that it can help her, than you can do it. A mother can do anything for her kids.
She's in there. She knows you can see her. She's depending on you. You can do this.
You do it one day at a time. You do it with all the love in your heart. You do it for you and for her and for her dad and for her sister.
And whatever the books say, remember, Love is greater than everything else in the world. Hold tight to that and love. It will bring you all through.
love & support from me.
Think of it as just a few days...just a few days...you'll see her in a few days...she'll be home just a few days from now...it's only been a few days since she left...and before you know it, the time is gone, and it's really only be just a few days.
That, or crochet.
Keep your eyes peeled for that break in the clouds.
You know the part about wanting to take all that pain away from her? Well, that's what I want to do for you and I don't even know you in the flesh, so what you want for her must be...it's...staggering.
Breathe deeply and keep going.
I can't imagine...
She is in a safe place with people qualified to help her. It is so scary to have to go against your instincts, but sometimes it is necessary. The others are right -- this will be a day-by-day process.
{Hugs, prayers, good thoughts coming your way through cyberspace.}
Here's what I keep thinking- she's lucky. Not because she has that wretched disease but because she has parents and family and friends who love her enough to walk through fire for her. And that's what you're doing now- your standing in the fire while your heart shatters because it's the right thing to do and it's what she needs. You're doing what you're supposed to be doing and, eventually, she'll follow suit. You'll have your sweet daughter back. You will.
Don't forget, while you're being strong for her, your friends are here to be strong for you- whenever, wherever, whatever. We're here when you need us.
Sending lots of love and hugs and prayers your way.
I have no words only to say that made me cry. I can't imagine and I don't ever want to live through what you are going through right now. There is nothing right about this but I believe in my heart you are doing what is best for her. All I can do is pray for you, for her, for Carman, younger and you dad.
All my love...
I wish I had words for you, but I've read through yours and then I've read through the ones that have already been left for you in these comments, and I have nothing more to add that hasn't been said. I can't even imagine the heartbreak you're feeling, but I also would like to imagine that one day, maybe even one day soon, your daughter will realize that all the hurt you feel now is part of what's involved to help her heal. It takes a strong person to do what you and your husband are, and perhaps you don't feel that way, but you are.
Just remember 90 days is much shorter than the rest of your life. Keep a positive outlook, and do what you can to keep your mind otherwise occupied.
Man. What a wretched, horrible situation — for all of you.
Doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest thing of all.
LOVES YOU SO MUCH AND HUGS YOU TIGHT!!!!
You can do this. You are doing the right mommy thing, like making them eat vegetables and hold your hand when you cross the street. You can do this!
I am here any time and day. You want to run away for a while and hide at my house COME! You want me to come and hang with you, CALL! I have sick time/vacation time whatever, it's yours.
One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Wishing you the Serenity to accept the things you cannot change and courage to change the things you can. I know you have the wisdom to know the difference.
Have I thrown enough cliches out there?
I believe in you! And I believe in Eldest.
You did it, because she gave you no other choice. And if she's borderline, then it's not even really her choice. Hang tough, Lady Lawyer and things will eventually come closer to coming around.
I wish there were somthing I could say. There are just no words.
I'm so sorry.
All the words the others' have said and I wish I had more. I'm so sorry for all you are going through. You know it's right - even though it must seem like the most wrong thing in the world.
I agree with TD - one day. Just commit to one day, then deal with the next.
OMG (yea I know kiddish but it fits)I thought I had it rough with my boy. Though he is progressing quickly to Eldest status (throwing around the "kill mysslf" threat)I do not know how you are no tjust out of your mind.
I know I am already getting there (out of my mind)what keeps you sane?
Best of EVERYTHING to you from me. Hang in there, you are always in my thoughts!
I'm so, so, very sorry.
That made my heart break, too.
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