Younger did very, very well at the State science competition. She received a highly superior (the highest ribbon awarded). Even though she was a nervous wreck the night before, she ended up very pleased with the experience. While Younger did not win, the keynote speaker at the award banquet said, "I was very impressed this year. There are some very interesting, creative projects...like Flaming Pajamas. Where is the girl who did that project?" Younger stood up and waved to everyone.
I really, really wish I could have experienced that moment with her.
What was I doing? Family counseling with the kid who says I only focus on her younger sister (I don't buy this load of crap, but I get fed a guilt-laden sandwich regularly; Eldest has gotten really good at attacking my mommy-guilt button...I need to figure out how to destroy that damn button but it seems to be attached to my heart and my tear ducts)...What was I saying? Oh, yes, what was I doing instead of attending the State science fair? I was in counseling and trying to figure out with the school how Eldest is going to pass her sophomore year and turning the house into a "safe home". Know what a "safe home" is? It's kind of like baby-proofing but without the joy. You have a "safe home" when you buy lock boxes for all your knives, scissors, razors and drugs and you discard or lock away all the alcohol.
We told Eldest this would be happening before she came home. Nonetheless, she melted down when she discovered she had to ask us for a razor before she showers and give it back to us when she's done. You see, we discovered this in her room:
While it looks kind of pretty and candy-ish. It isn't. It is (WAS, it's now gone) her stash of over-the-counter drugs. It was her "plan". It probably wouldn't have killed her, but she would have been pretty darn sick.
One of the lovely tidbits Eldest shared with us during her meltdown is that the "safe home" idea is stupid. If she wanted to die...and she assured us that AT THAT MOMENT she had no such intentions...there was plenty of glass available in things like windows, so locking away everything is just dumb. (She did concede that locking away the medicine was a good idea. Baby steps, right?)
I wonder how much of this I can hear before I totally fall apart? I figure I'll find out before long. (Yes, yes, I'm looking for my own therapist. Thank you for asking.)
So yesterday with Eldest didn't go so well. This morning went worse. I'm too drained to share that. I don't know if she'll come home tonight.
18 comments:
Haven't shared this yet -- now might be the time. Senior year, my sister became extremely depressed and suicidal. So much so that her school counselor called my parents. They were pissed because she was "just looking for attention." At the school counselor's urging, my sister was permitted to attend ONE session with a private therapist. At that, my parents declared her "cured" and didn't want to hear about it any more.
God bless you for the way you are handling this. It has to suck beyond anything I can even imagine. And, it is the right thing to be doing.
I've been wondering -- have you had to work through all of this or have you been able to take family leave? I was happy to read Youngest's good news -- I've been wondering about her, too.
On Crazy Boy's favorite show, "Yo Gabba Gabba" they sing a catchy little song called "Baby Steps." I'm singing it for you now, here in Michigan. Be glad you can't hear it, as it sticks in your head for aeons.
{many more hugs}
I am working...when I want to. It's sometimes cathartic. I did just tell my managing partner and my section leader what's going on. So now I don't have quite so much guilt about all of this.
"Family leave" is for employees; I'm a partner, so it doesn't work quite the same way. At any rate, they were lovely and told me to do the right thing, no worries about the hours, etc. I love this firm.
Have youngest stop by our place on the 4th of July...she can bring any extra PJs that might be left over from her science project, I just mught have some Cremora, Black powder, electric match, and a really long ignition wire and we can continue her...er...research using...ummm...pyrotechics (and non-dairy coffee creamer).
I'm also working on an angle that might result in 72 professional display shells. It just might work out this year! The mortars are ready and waiting to be used.
Sigh.
Of course you can't really create a completely safe cocoon for a person - but the fact that you're willing to try and dig in and care and struggle. That's the safe part. Good for you.
Ugh. That is all for now.
Sending more hugs and prayers your way. And God bless you for trying to keep things as normal as possible for Younger.
I have a million things I wanna say right now, but they're all pretty negative, and that's not what you need right now.
If happiness came in meteors, I'd toss one at your house.
Congrats to Younger!! =D
I think for now, you're headed in the right direction.
Huge hugs and support coming to you from me. One moment at a time.
xo
I'm glad to hear you are looking for someone for yourself - that's smart. Also smart, if not painful, is everything else you are doing. Stay strong. And then let yourself cry for awhile.
Then take another step. Thinking of you all a lot.
Why not just fall apart - temporarily - go to bed early and just cry it out. Tomorrow will be there before you know it.
Good job for Younger!
Well YAY for the science fair win. To me, that was winning. And as for the other, oh, bless you, bless you, bless you. I hope it all gets ironed out soon. What a terrifying place to be in as a parent. I can't imagine.
What's with Ed??? I've seen him before.
First off you have followers in china! I am in awe of you!
Second it is good to see that youngest is doing well at least at school. It has to be hard on the whole family. I hope the husband is helping (I only say this because mine is not he has given up on Devin) because this is not something that you should have to go through alone.
Davi is right most of what else I have to say is negative and you seem to be getting enough of that (I am only negative from my own experinces). I do wish you the best, I admire your strength.
I have a card that says "Life does not put things in front of you that you are unable to handle." I haven't sent it to anyone because I can't bear to part with it. But I would send it to you. And Eldest.
P.S. Way to go with the Flaming Pajamas!
1st- I'm very proud of younger. She's recognizing that life can be falling apart around her, and she just needs to keep on going. That it's not going to help herself or anyone else to fall apart too.
I can understand your need to go back to work when you can. It's a place where you have the answers and you know what to do.
My heart goes out to you, your family and elder.
What I hear her saying in all of these statements is, A) I want to be the baby. I don't understand the world that is opening up around me and I don't know how to handle it. I want to be a kid again, and I want things to be easy and comfortable. (which is how I suspect she imagines youngers life to be.)
and B) She's scared of herself. Yes there's the out of control side of herself that has been acting out and causing herself harm, but, there is also a rational mature side of herself that is afraid of what she's capable of. What a terrifying thing to feel at 15.
So, I guess what I'm saying, is if she does need to stay in the rehab for a while, she will be with people who are equipt at keeping her safe, she will be surrounded by people who are in similar shoes, and she will be forced to face only herself, because there are no buttons to push with strangers. And I think she will feel safer too, because she knows she's simply not allowed to behave this way there.
(Kind of like daycare when they're little. They may scream and cry when you first drop them off, but without you there, they feel pretty silly continuing on.)
Again, I am so, so, sorry.
I hope that you can follow youngers lead and let yourself feel honored on mothers day. You signed up for this job unconditionaly, and you are facing one of your greatest tests, but you are being a mother. You're doing what mother's do. You may not feel like you are winning at the moment, but, man! It's doing what you need to do even when you feel like running away that shows real accomplishment, So please take it from the bottom of my heart, when I say, Happy Mother's Day Laggin. She is, and will always be, the girl who made you a mom. Holding you both in my thoughts.
Hi,
We aren't really friends, yet, but I want to talk to you.
I am just leaving the place your daughter is in. You mustn't tell, but, I myself have a stash and it would work. The thing is, the people that helped me claw closer to the light did what you are doing. They busted my ass. They made me explain how devastating my family wasn't "selfish." It was.
It is a hard road to decide to live with yourself. You are doing the right thing.
Life does throw things at you that you can not handle. Then you fall apart, pick up the pieces, and keep going. Some things just suck and that is o.k.
Torn between two children, feeling like a fool, eh? No need. Youngest is doing well. Praise her. Oldest... suicide is a means of manipulation in many ways. It's a control technique. As hard as it is, you're the one who has to maintain the upper hand. Yes, she is sick right now and needs help, but don't sacrifice your sanity in the process. Feel free to rage against the heavens and scream out loud on occasion. Hang in there.
oh laggin. oh oh oh. laggin.
Post a Comment