hope

That word...hope...
It's not just my dog.  (She's named Hope, for those of you who don't know.)
So obviously, I am a great believer in hope.
But...when thinking about hope...a phrase caught my attention yesterday when I saw it on a book jacket in the office of one of my partners.  It said, "Hope is not a plan."  Oh, how true!  While there is nothing wrong in living with hope, merely having hope is not a plan.  And when you have nothing but hope or a wish, well...then I think you have to go find a plan.

But I also know that I plan too much.  I = control freak.  So I am also having to learn to be more hands-off....to accept things that happen and stop trying to control the outcome of every-damn-little-thing.


So here is my plan...
because, knowing me....
I have to have a plan...
for how not to control...
I am sure it will change...
but for right now...

• I will get divorced and pour my effort into not destroying myself in the process.
• I will raise my girls (and try desperately to get Eldest back on some path...more on this to follow, I'm sure...but merely as a requested guide, NOT by force).
• I will work on finding small pieces of joy in my life, in those times where I cannot identify large chunks of love.
• I will continue to find gratitude in every single day.  "Practice gratitude," the t-shirt said.  I'm trying.
• Find a way to keep at internal peace and work on spirituality...even if it's not religion...I need to find a way to stop begrudging God for whatever it is I am holding against him.
• I will be more self-sufficient and learn how not to call someone the moment I have an emotional reaction.  Emotions are not my enemy.
• In other words, I will learn to self-sooth.
• I will continue to build my new normal...a normal that does not include romance or dating or that stuff.  I need a break!

That is not to say that I will not still have hope or hopes.  However, I cannot let hope be my guide ...become my plan...or dominate over my life.  Someday, I may have to let go of today's particular hope.  But until then, I will float along, working on me and finding a way to be peaceful.