locking that freak in a box

Recently, a wise friend commented that he thought he saw in me a little of the attitude known as I-can-do-it-all-by-myself-and-don't-need-anyone-else's-help. (Ok...not his words...but you get the idea.)

And the idea stopped me cold.

Eh. Not totally cold, because I could at least say something slightly noncommittal like, "Yes, I suppose that's true.'

But cold enough that the statement haunted me a bit. So I've been thinking about it. Just like I always do...slowly, methodically...a mental chewing of the cud, if you will.

In retrospect, there is absolutely no doubt that in the last few years I was doing it all, or as much as I could competently handle. (In fact, several things I handled incompetently.) But I don't think that this was the result of a conscious decision to do things myself. I don't think I've refused help or pushed people away. And the truth is, I didn't want to do it all by myself. I think all of that resulted from the fact that if someone was going to do it...was going to keep the pieces together...it was me.

There have been so many times when I just wanted to melt...to grieve...to find a way to escape some of these times. Or just to dissolve and be supported when there was a moment to do so. I didn't want to do it alone; I just didn't have a choice.

The fact remains, I don't want to do it all myself. I would like to find a partner in life. I want to hear and trust in the solid advice of a beloved and trusted other. I really want to believe I am capable of this. Surely my inner control freak doesn't have to be the master of my destiny.

But also, I know that the comment I received is true. I need look no further than myself at work to know that I'm not good at sharing the responsibility. In the last six months, I figured out pretty quickly that I could not handle everything. I have sought out and accepted help. I've given up control over cases (some of you RL readers are shocked, I know). But it's refreshing.

Tiny steps.

I'll get there.

Right?