tales from lakeside

If you take teenage girls on an impromptu lake vacation and if you take "noodles" to float on in the lake...

What? You don't know what I mean by "noodles"?  You know...these things>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Foam pool noodles . . .  round foam flotation devices.  Long round foam with a hole in the end.  Long, flexible, round, foam flotation devices otherwise known as one-big-phallic-joke-after-another.

I remember in grade school when they used to innocently do the I-have-a-boy-part jokes with the noodles.  I'd hear that I'm-being-naughty giggle, glance their way only to see them quickly move the noodle from suggestive locations.  Then, around the middle school years they would threaten to smack each other with their giant phallus.  (Oh come on . . . you know you've done it.  Or you would, with enough liquid courage and the right crowd.)  My girls usually performed the huge-dick battle at their grandparents' house.  It was always one of my prouder parenting moments.  Especially if my mother's ladies-who-lunch were also hanging around the pool.  *sigh*

But holy crapples, folks, high school girls can get raunchy with the noodles.

Like let's pretend you're sitting on the noodle as if it's . . . oh . . . a horse.  Yes, you're astride a noodle.  Ok.  Whatever.  You're straddling . . . humping the noodle.  Go with it . . . don't fight me on this.  Humping a noodle is an excellent opportunity to stroke it suggestively.

Or, let's say you're straddling that thing, you lose your balance and the noodle shoots out from between your legs . . . well, then you've got noodle ejection . . . or you can pretend to mispronounce it as noodle erection . . . or even drive your mother to drink and declare you've ejaculated a noodle.

Or . . . if the hollow core of the noodle fills up with water, well then you should blow in one end and cause it to spurt out the other.  This, my friends, is very, very funny.  You and your sister can have a who-can-blow-the-noodle-the-farthest competition!  (I'm sparing you the "white stuff" jokes.  Be appreciative.)

If you do these things, your mother will look furtively up the dock and make sure no one with small children is headed your way.  And she will wonder why she didn't buy canned alcoholic beverages so she could bring them down to the lake with her.  Or she will consider disowning you.  Or vacationing without you.

It's a noodle house.