unorthodox arts of war

There is one phrase that I have uttered to the chickadees that has resulted in supreme derision and mortification on their part. It caused Younger to roll her eyes and emphatically mumble (emphatic mumbling is a particular specialty of the 14-year-old female of our species), "Don't EVER say that again."

So what is this phrase, you ask?

Well, here it is, in all its humiliating glory:

"Don't do that again or I'll go all Ninja-mommy on you."

A little discussion ciii were having over at his place, made me think, "Hey. I totally need to blog about my Ninja-momminess." Otherwise known as the ways in which I spy on my kids.

My mother was a total spy. But my mother is not cool. Not that my goal of mommying is "coolness"; not at all. I regularly tell my girls, "My job is not to be your friend. My job is to be your mother." But I do REALLY try to remember what it was like to be a teen and approach them with some sense of empathy and treat portions of their teeness with dignity. Sometimes it's pretty hard not to laugh in their faces or scream at their backs, but I try.

So just how, pray tell, do I reconcile being a spy-mom with hating the fact that my mother spied on me? Here's how. I tell them I'm doing it.

First, an early example...when they were wanting accounts on the computer and to chat with people on the Internet *shiver* I knew I had to do something. So I did the first, easy, rather non-Ninja thing, we put the computer in a central part of the house. Then I did a lawyer-kind-of thing cuz I can't really change my spots. I made them sign a contract setting out the rules for using the Internet. It hangs right by the computer.

So you're thinking...um...what's with the Ninja theme, Laggin? You're not really doing it for me, hun.

Ok. Ok. I'm getting there.

Next, I downloaded spyware. It shoots a picture of what goes on with the computer every minute and stores it for a week. I told them I was doing this. I said, "If you ever give me a reason to not trust you on the computer, I will read every single thing you've done. Then I'll decide your punishment."

At some point in time, each of them has broken one of the computer rules. They have then suffered the indignity of having to sit next to me and watch while I load and read everything they've done on the computer. After that....they pretty much tow the line with the computer rules. Neither of them did anything really dangerous...just stupid. And its very mortifying for them to watch their mother read all their Internet goofiness. Heck, you're bloggers...you understand Internet goofiness better than most! I mean, how many of us let our mothers read our blogs? *double shiver*

So these were the early manifestations of what was to become the ultimate in spy mommies.

Now that we have entered the era of Facebook , aim, etc., the dangers expanded. (Just FYI, the devil a/k/a MySpace, is banned here in the Great House.) Seriously, I now KNOW these dangers are real because of what I have learned from the Eldest and Ex scenario. So the deal around here is as follows:

1. I get their passwords. They cannot change passwords without telling me. If they do, the Internet is over for them.

2. I will read and comment on their Facebook wall regularly and they have to make me their Facebook "friend".

3. I will read their private Facebook communications if I am worried about things that are going on. This is the rule. It's non-negotiable. They know it.

And read I do. At some point, when they are older, I will probably let them change their password and let them be truly private. But at this stage, especially when I have one kid who flirts with dark-depression, privacy isn't in the cards for them.

Now, being a true Ninja, I am not going to put out here on the blogosphere all my secrets. Let's just say, it doesn't stop with what I've described here. For instance, I happen to know that the Ex and his new girlfriend have called it splits. I also happen to know at least part of why that happened. Eldest knows none of this. He's actually leaving her alone right now. But that boy borders on dangerous for my girl, so I have not stopped my spying on him until I am damn good and sure that he's done with her.

I am prepared. That pretty much describes my attitude toward life...be prepared. (Kind of sad but oh, so true.) I am sure that some people believe that spying on their kids is wrong. But I believe that forewarned is forearmed. As Sir Francis Bacon said, "Knowledge is power." When you live in the middle of the teen battleground, a little preparation and knowledge is not a bad idea.